


The Gradual Decline

by yxungandreckless



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 00:26:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3670683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yxungandreckless/pseuds/yxungandreckless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton's been losing weight, and it's not a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 175 lbs

“Ashton!” I screamed as I jumped on top of the heavily sleeping boy. “You have to wake up, we have an interview in 20!”  
“G’way, Lukey,” Ashton muttered, pushing me off of him. “I’m not in the mood.”  
My heart sank after he said that. Ashton was always the one in a bright and cheery mood, and to see him any other way killed me. Even though there was the possibility that I could’ve faced resistance, I rolled up next to him and wrapped my arms around his waist.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“‘M just tired, baby,” Ashton sighed as he turned around in my arms and kissed my forehead. “I didn’t get much sleep last night and it’s affecting me, that’s all.”  
Now, this wasn’t a complete lie since he had black, puffed bags underneath his eyes; but it was far from the truth. I decided to leave it alone since I didn’t want to agitate him, but I knew he wasn’t ready for this interview.  
“Ashy?”  
“Mhm?”  
“We can always cancel the interview, y’know. We can say you got s…”  
“I have to do this, I refuse to let the fans down again.”  
“Appendicitis is not your fault and you know it.”  
“Just let me get ready, Lucas,” Ashton grumbled, getting off the bed and rummaging through his drawers for clothes.  
“I-I’m so…sorry,” I trembled as some tears and a whimper escaped me.   
I don’t know why I’m so upset about this, but here I am crying like a fucking baby while Ashton is too caught up in himself to notice- or so I thought. The second he saw me in hysterics, he ran over to my side and hugged me as tight as he could.  
“I’m such a fucking asshole,” Ashton reassured, peppering kisses all over my face. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, I’m just stressed out. Do you want to stay in here while I get ready and then we can go to the interview together?”  
“Y-yes,” I croaked, my tears finally subsiding as Ashton left the bed after kissing my jaw one last time to get dressed.

****************************************************

If I thought my day was shitty this morning, I had no idea for what was in store at this fucking interview. We were all seated on the couches, Lukey and I on the front one and Cal and Mikey on the back one, and the interviewer was this annoying woman with a tacky Long Island accent. All the questions were directed at Luke, and they were all about girls, which was pretty pathetic considering he came out to me as gay last year.  
“Uh, this one’s for Ashton,” The interviewer, I believe her name was Amanda, snarked. “It’s from Bianca M., and she wants to know why you’re so fat if you drum all of the time.”  
“Well,” I spoke, trying to hide all of my hurt feelings and pain. “I’m not here to answer stupidity, so let’s move on.”  
Luke snuck his arm behind my back and rubbed circles into it, and shit, he’s going to want to talk about this when we get back.  
“Ashton, it’s your lucky day,” Amanda laughed, and I still have no idea why this woman who’s twice my age hates me so much. “This one is from Olivia S., and it says ‘Can you please do something to keep your weight in check? You were my favorite, but ever since I realized how obese you were I can’t stand you.’”  
“Shut the fuck up,” Luke snarled, pulling me into his side as the woman gave him a death glare.  
“Luke, please don’t get involved,” I warned because this dipshit is going to get drilled by management.  
“No,” Luke hissed as he got up and walked over towards Amanda. “Listen here, you cocksucking bitch. I know that you all have a code not to read questions that insult a celebrities’ physical appearance, and don’t think I won’t have my people get your ass fired for this shit. Ash is not fat at all, and I don’t know what your problem is with him, but jealousy’s the worst personality trait a woman could have.”  
The crowd was in an uproar; Luke’s outburst was completely unexpected but was taken so well by the audience that the interview was put to an end. As Amanda furiously left her seat, she walked up to me and pulled me aside because she just had to talk to me.  
“You’re lucky you were fucking saved by your bandmate,” She said, venom lacing her words. “I just need you to know that you are a fat, worthless piece of shit, and honestly? You should starve yourself or make yourself throw up so you can at least say you tried to be as thin as your bandmates. Now, I’ve got a schedule to work with, so I’ve got to get going, but just remember that you truly are an obese, untalented excuse for a person.”  
With that, she walked away quickly, and before I knew it Michael and Calum were running up to me. They immediately engulfed me in their arms, but I wriggled myself out because I don’t deserve their pity. I’ve recently read a decent amount of tweets calling me fat, and it’s been bothering me, but having it all confirmed by her was the breaking point. I knew I had to do something drastic, so when the boys asked if I wanted to head out for pizza with them or stay home with Luke, I easily chose the latter.

****************************************************

Ashton left the van swiftly after it was parked into the lot, and as I went to go after him, Calum grabbed my arm.  
“Luke, we really need to talk,” Mikey started as he rubbed my knee.  
“About what?” I hummed, nerves coursing through my body. “Is it about Ash and what happened?”  
“Yeah,” Calum breathed as he put an arm around me. “While you were getting punished by management, that bitch was telling Ashton all of these untrue things about himself and…and she told him to starve himself or throw everything up…”  
“I’m going to fucking murder that bitch,” I muttered, losing all control over myself.  
“We’re not done,” Michael interjected. “Ashton doesn’t know that we overheard this conversation, and he can’t find out. Luke, you need to make sure he’s okay, we can’t lose him.”  
“We won’t,” I reassured, getting out of my seat. “Thanks for telling me, I don’t know what I would’ve done if I didn’t know that.”  
I slammed the car door, and I quickly made my way towards the flat. Ashton has always been so important to me, especially since his family practically raised me. I came from an abusive mum and an alcoholic father, so Ashton took me away from my house and had me live with his family. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve probably ended up dead since I barely handled all of the abuse and harassment before I left. I made it my personal goal to pay Ashton back for all of the help he’s given me, and now is a perfect time to start.   
“Ash?” I tested, locking the door behind me.  
“Y-yeah?” Ashton faintly stuttered, and shit he’s crying.  
I tried to follow where his voice was, and it led to our bedroom. The door was locked, which was no surprise since he’s a mess, and his tears were easily audible even with the door shut. I hesitantly knocked on the door, and Ashton opened it almost immediately. He looked even worse than he sounded; his nose was coated in snot, there were puffy, red bags under his eyes, and he was shaking like a chihuahua. I attempted to stifle a sob, but I couldn’t and I was in hysterics. Having Ashton, my rock, completely destroyed is taking a toll on me, and it’s not fair that he’s going through this. His body is absolutely perfect, and he weighs more than all of us because he’s muscular. Ashton mouthed at me to stop crying as he placed his hand on my shoulder, but that only made it worse for me since I felt guilty. Then he took me in his arms, walked me over to his bed, and we both laid down facing each other.  
“I-I’m so d-disgusted,” I seethed, gripping onto Ashton like he was my lifeline. “She had n-no fucking right.”  
“It’s okay,” Ashton spoke, his crying coming to an end. “I’m fine, Lukey, it doesn’t matter.”  
“You were fucking bawling,” I retorted as I buried my face into the crook of his neck. “You need to know that you are absolutely perfect the way you are, and that you better not try to change your body in any way. I love being able to cuddle with you when I’m upset since your muscular arms always make me feel safe. If…if you weren’t so muscular and warm, I wouldn’t have any safety in my life. You know how rough my p-past was, I need a constant i-in my life. Please.”  
“I promise I won’t, Lukey boy,” Ashton cooed, releasing one hand off of me so he can wipe his eyes. “Shit, you’re making me cry again, it’s hard to be upset over something so petty while you were in and out of hospitals and had to constantly hide your abuse.”  
“Just because my life was absolute shit doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be sad,” I added, kissing him on the cheek. “Compared to everything you’ve gone through, this is the worst thing that has ever happened. I want you to know that I’m always here for you, and I want you to talk to me when you’re upset, okay?”  
“Okay,” Ashton smiled as he rubbed circles into my back. “Let’s just take a nap for now, I’m still exhausted.”  
With that, he shut his eyes and fell asleep almost immediately, but the exact opposite could be said for me. I couldn’t stop worrying about Ashton and how negatively this was all going to affect him, and about two hours later when I finally calmed myself down, I realized we both didn’t have lunch.


	2. 159 lbs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is really just a filler and it ended where it ended for a reason xxx

Ever since that interview, Ashton hasn’t been the same. He barely talks to any of us, including Luke, and he only comes out of his room for meals, which sometimes I doubt he eats, and to go to the bathroom. After further researching the topic of Ashton’s weight, I found out that most tweets directed at him were about his ‘massive frame.’ I showed this to Mikey and Luke, and both of them were in absolute shock. While I was talking to them, Ashton came downstairs and walked over to Luke.  
“Hey Ash,” Luke smiled, putting an arm around Ashton’s waist.  
Ashton immediately froze up, and he wriggled his way out of Luke’s grip. Luke was obviously hurt, and having this tension between the two of them is so uncomfortable for both Mikey and I. Once Ashton saw the look on Luke’s face, he tried to hug him as a way to apologize, but Luke wasn’t okay with this and he sprinted upstairs to his room.  
“What’s going on with him?” Ashton asked, a confused look on his face. “Is he okay?”  
“I believe the question is are you okay,” I responded as I walked up to him. “Why didn’t you let him touch you? He’s worried sick about you since you hardly even communicate with us, and then when he tries to get you to talk to him, you pretty much leave him. Can’t you tell he cares more about you than he does about himself?”  
“I just…I don’t like being touched near my stomach,” Ashton struggled, opening his arms to hug me. “I’m sorry, Cal, I’m so, so sorry.”  
“Save it for Luke,” I muttered, walking upstairs so I can check on him to see if he was feeling alright.

**************************************************  
“It’s just,” Luke started, tears completely wracking his body. “It fucking hurts, you know? It kills me that my best friend is…he’s disappearing from me and there’s nothing I can do about it. Do you think he knows that I…you know, love him?”  
“I haven’t said anything, Lukey,” I answered, running my fingers through his hair. “I think he’s fine, maybe he just never liked being touched near his midsection?”  
“Maybe you’re right,” Luke sighed, and I wiped the tears from his eyes. “I’m so scared, though. I just want things to be the way they used to be, that I can always go to Ash when something is wrong and he’d always be there for me and vice versa. It’s not like my family is getting any better, my dad still calls…”  
“I’m so sorry,” I interrupted, pulling him into my chest. “I’m always here, especially for as long as this goes on. Stay strong, baby, I know you can handle all of this.”


	3. 143 lbs

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock blasting at 4am. I mean, I know it’s only been 4 and a half weeks and I’m already down 32 pounds, but I decided that I definitely have to do more if I’m actually set on weighing less than 100 pounds. I’m starting to do daily runs, but I don’t want the lads to get suspicious or even worse, worried. The only person who’s beginning to notice is Luke, especially yesterday when he asked me if I ate anything for dinner.  
Once I was fully dressed in running clothes and ready to go out the door, I felt a tug on my hand and it took everything in me not to scream. I turned around to face the person, and it was, no surprise, Luke.  
“It’s four in the morning,” Luke remarked, turning on the lights and pulling me over to the couch. “Why on earth are you going running, and why are you even up?”  
“I figured it’d be the best time since no fans would run into me,” I lied on the spot, mentally patting myself on the back for it. “Plus, I won’t die of heat since it’s somewhat cool out.”  
“Okay,” Luke sighed, looking down, and shit, my run would have to wait because there are tear tracks on his face.  
“Lukey?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Did he call again?” I asked, and despite everything telling me not to, I took him in my arms.  
He nodded, and the dried tear tracks became home to fresh tears coursing down their path. I kissed him on his forehead, and he buried his head into the crook of my neck. Every time his son-of-a-bitch for a father got beyond wasted, he would call Luke and spit out insults that an adult, or anyone for that matter, would never say to a kid. It’s not like his mum would ever do anything to stop her husband, she’s the one who started the abuse anyways.  
“It…it’s s-so bad, Ash, he…he told m-me to go k-kill myself…”  
“I’m going to fucking murder that asshole,” I muttered, refusing to let anyone ever say that to a person as perfect as Luke. “You better not listen to anything that dick says, you got me? He’s so, so wrong, and it’s not right for you to have to put up with a pathetic, alcoholic excuse for a dad. You did absolutely nothing to deserve it, Lukey, I promise.”  
“A-and you did nothing t-to deserve hate,” Luke struggled, releasing his death grip on me. “You’re n-not fat, you’re actually a lot thinner than you were before.”  
“Not now,” I spoke as I got up from the couch. “But are you okay for now? Can I go for my run and you’ll be mentally stable enough to go back to sleep? Because that’s what you’re going to do regardless of whether I stay or not because the bags under your eyes are ridiculous.”  
“He…he s-said he’s gon…gonna call a-again,” Luke confessed, more tears streaming down his flushed face.  
I really didn’t want to hold my run off until tonight, but I had to be there for Luke. If I wasn’t there, things might get too extreme for him, and he might try something that he would regret and I would never forgive myself. I sat back down, placed him on my lap, and put my head on his shoulder.  
“I’m here, baby,” I soothed, kissing his jawline. “I’m never going to leave you, I swear.” 

**********************************************************

“L-Luke,” His speech was slurred, and it was laced with malice and venom. “Wh…what’s going on, f-fag?”  
“‘M not a fag,” I mumbled, even though it was true.  
“Don’t e’en a-argue, y’know you a-are. You l-love that Arthur k-kid…”  
“Ashton,” I corrected as a single tear fell down my cheek.  
“’Nd he’s s-straight, dumbass,” He laughed. “What’s n-next, you’re gonna s-s-start cutting y’rself like t-the old da…days? I would if I…I were you.”  
“You’re disgusting!” I screamed, covering my mouth almost immediately after because the boys can’t hear this. “Don’t fucking think of self-harm as a joke! You’re a real prick, Dad, a real fucking prick!”  
“I’ll f-fucking send your m-mother o’er there right…right now!” My ‘father’ yelled, and even drunk he knew my mum was abusive. “You’re w-weak, y’know, so f-f-fucking weak. W’dn’t be surprised i-if y’killed y’rself.”  
With that, he hung up the phone, and I couldn’t stop the flow of tears escaping my eyes. I used to self-harm a lot back when I was 12 because honestly? There was no other way to cope with an abusive mother who put me in coma after coma while even trying to sexually abuse me and a father who constantly got drunk off his arse and covered the one abuse my mother didn’t cover: emotional. Sure, she called me worthless and degraded me more times than I can count, but my dad really hit me where it hurt. One day when I was 14, my dad noticed the red lines on my wrists, and things only got worse in my family from there. Jack and Ben left with their friends to America that same year, and they offered to take me with them, but I knew I deserved this maltreatment. Two months later, I met Ashton, and once he got me to open up about all of my black eyes, bruises, and cuts, he forced me to pack my things and live with him. Although the other boys know about my parents, they don’t know about my cutting since I stopped a few months after I moved in with Ash and he swore not to tell them.  
In the middle of my breakdown, I heard someone knock at my door, and I asked who it was. It ended up being Michael, and he said he heard my dad called, so I let him in. He sat down next to me, wrapped me in his arms, and tried to get me to calm down before he spoke.  
“Dinner’s almost ready, baby,” Mikey said, clearly worried about something else. “We’re having pasta with sauce, we know it’s your favorite.”  
“What’s going on, and don’t lie to me,” I bluntly stated as I let go of him to wipe away my tears.  
“We don’t know where Ash is,” He sighed. “He was all dressed in running clothes and he told us he was going out 5 hours ago, and he’s still not back. We’ve tried calling him, but he’s not answering.”  
“I could always give it a shot,” I offered, my heart beating heavily in my chest as I reached over for my phone and dialed his number.  
After about four rings, I was ready to deem my attempt useless, but he picked up and all I could hear is messed up breathing.  
“Lukey, what’s going on?”  
“You need to come home, we’re having dinner soon.”  
“Okay,” He panted as I heard the sound of shoes hitting cobblestone. “Anything else happen?”  
“Um,” I hummed, and this was the first time I’ve ever debated not telling Ashton something.  
I motioned for Mike to leave the room, because I knew Ashton was going to get this out of me one way or another. I had him shut my door, and even more tears escaped my eyes as I prepared to tell him what happened on the phone with my dad.  
“Did he call again?” Ashton asked, almost reading my mind. “What the fuck did that asshole say?”  
“He brought up my cutting,” I wailed, covering my mouth with my hand because I sounded as weak as he portrayed me. “Don’t know how the fuck he still remembers I used to do that with all the alcohol he drowns himself in, but I guess it’s anything to make my life miserable.”  
“You want that blade, don’t you?”  
“So badly,” I admitted, pulling up my sleeve and admiring the array of white lines scattered across my arm. “I don’t know how much longer I can stay clean if he’s only gonna call more and more. I’m only human, y’know? This abuse…it’s killing me.”  
“When I get back there, we’re having a cuddle session and a movie night,” Ashton spoke, his crying shaking his voice. “I just want you to be okay, baby, that’s all that matters.”  
“You’re also eating,” I bravely said, which was so out of character for me. “You’ve been losing weight, Ashy, it’s not a secret, and I’m scared.”  
With that, he hung up, and I was even more frightened than I was before.


	4. 127 lbs

“We need to have a fucking intervention,” I roared, knowing the other boys wouldn’t be able to say it. “He’s been getting thinner, and we all know it.”  
Calum, Luke, and I were all sitting down in our living room, all on separate couches, and we figured we had to have a ‘meeting’ to see what we were going to do about Ashton. Luke was sobbing ever since Calum and I started conversing, and it’s so blatantly obvious how much he loves Ashton, but no one dared to mention it. He hasn’t even talked to us in weeks, but Cal and I forced him to sit down with us because he can’t just sit in his room all day and pretend that nothing is happening.  
“Mike, we can’t just…we can’t d-do that,” Luke mumbled as he curled into the couch, this being the first time he’s talked to us in the past week or two. Cal and I knew that Ash being the way he is now would affect Luke the most, but both of us weren’t expecting this. He’s been completely shutting me out since that day 2 weeks ago when he talked with Ashton on the phone, and soon after he blocked Calum out.  
“Lukey, can I come over there and hug you?” Cal asked, clearly not being able to handle seeing his brother so lost and broken.  
“S-s-sure,” Luke struggled as he opened his arms.  
Calum walked over to Luke and he immediately engulfed the trembling boy in his arms. Luke started to cry even louder, and shit, it really breaks my heart that this is what he’s become.  
“We love you, baby,” I reassured, making my way over to them. “You can always come to us.”  
“I just want Ashy back,” Luke cried out, burying his face in the crook of Calum’s neck. “We don’t even t-talk anymore, only the slight hellos and small talk. Ash and I used to talk about everything and anything, and now he’s shutting me out too. I need him so much, and he can’t even be there for me let alone himself. He promised me he would…he said he wouldn’t leave me, and…he’s gone.”  
“He’s not gone,” I murmured as I stroked his hair. “He’s still alive, and he’ll stay alive if we get him help.”  
“Y-you think he…he’s gonna die?” Luke trembled, grasping onto Calum even tighter.  
“Well,” I started, and Calum shot me a look that basically told me not to tell him, but I couldn’t lie. “He’s lost at least 40 something pounds, and he isn’t asking for help…”   
Luke let out a muffled sob, immediately released Calum, and ran upstairs to his and Ash’s room. I was about to chase after him, but Calum gripped my hand and pulled me into his lap.  
“You fucked up big time,” Calum scolded, although I could easily tell that he wasn’t mad. “But I think you may have been better off being blunt because Luke will probably end up intervening.”  
“I hope he does,” I responded as I tried to keep my composure. “I can’t imagine not having Ashton here by our sides.”

*****************************************************

I rolled up the sleeves of my flannel, and I sat down in the bathtub after grabbing my black box from underneath Ash and I’s sink. Ashton wanted me to throw out all of my razors a couple years ago, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to last without cutting. Now, my source of happiness has been stripped away from me, so what else do I have to keep me alive?   
I took out the sharpest razor, and although I had that moment of hesitation, I pressed and dragged the blade across my wrist. Blood started pooling from the cut immediately, and all of the memories from back when I was 12 kept flooding into my mind. The relief was exactly what I needed, so I pulled the razor across around 9 or 10 more times until I heard a gasp and shit I forgot to shut the door.  
“L-L-Lukey,” Ashton gaped as he ran over to me and examined my arm. “Why?”  
“You have no right to know,” I snapped, pulling my arm into my chest. “You promised you would never leave me, and you did.”  
“It wasn’t intentional, baby,” He spoke, a tear falling down his completely hollowed cheeks. “I’m just so…I was always here, and I thought you were mad at me.”  
I sighed, knowing that he had a point. Once he started losing weight, I shut everybody out, including him, but that was partially because he did it to me when I tried to get him to eat.  
“How’s this,” I mumbled, letting Ashton pull me into his lap. “I’ll tell you why I cut if and only if you promise me that you’ll try to start eating again.”  
“You know I can’t…”  
“You have to!” I screamed, losing all of the composure I had built up as tears wracked my body. “I can’t lose you, Ash, you’re so important to me, the boys, and the fans. I need you in my life, without you I don’t have a single source of motivation to live and it hurts so fucking much. You’re so skinny, I can count your ribs without you even taking that shirt off. I need you to eat again and be as optimistic and happy as you were before this bullshit happened, please.”  
“No promises, but I’ll try my hardest,” Ashton hesitantly spoke, taking my arm and reaching for a towel and peroxide. “Let’s clean you up, baby, your arm is a mess. Please can you tell me what happened?”  
“I, fuck that hurts,” I hissed as I quickly pulled back my arm but I trusted Ashton enough to have him finish cleaning it. “A-and it’s because I…I thought you left me. Mikey and Cal s-said you were going to die.”  
He took a sharp intake of breath, and his body was shaking with sobs. I took him in my arms, and I kissed his jaw gently, knowing that he needed some kind of affection. It still hurts that I love him so fucking much and he clearly has no feelings for me, but I’ll still be there for him and care about him more than anyone possibly can. After a few minutes of us just crying into each other, Ashton bandaged my arm and pulled me back into our bedroom. I sat down on his side of the bed as he said he was going to get changed, and he pulled his shirt over his head. I knew he was skinny, but I had no idea that he was a fucking twig with jagged bones and infinite ribs. I tried to stifle a sob, but I failed and I was in tears again. Once Ashton caught a glimpse of me, he quickly threw on the rest of his clothes and ran over to the bed to sit down next to me.  
“I’m gonna need you to listen to me,” Ashton gently whispered, rubbing my back carefully. “I know this isn’t a secret, but I haven’t been showing it lately at all and I’m so sorry. Luke, I love you and not just ‘as a friend.’ You were a complete and utter asshole the first day I met you, but I’m so glad that I still decided to get to know you and find out your reasons. You’re broken too, y’know? Maybe that’s why we work together, because we’re both trying to help each other get back on track while we pay no attention to ourselves. So, how about we stop pretending that we don’t have feelings for each other and we finally make it official?”  
“I’d love that,” I smiled, unable to comprehend how and why Ashton actually loves me back. “And Ash?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Just kiss me already,” was all I got out before Ashton’s lips crashed into mine.


	5. 109 lbs

Ever since Luke and I started dating, I tried to start eating, but I failed miserably. The first meal he made me I completely forced down, but I ended up sobbing in his lap for around 5 minutes until he let me throw it up. Now, I learned ways to keep my throwing up a secret when they made me eat, and I usually sneak my not eating past the boys pretty well.  
“Y’know, Ash,” Luke started, running his fingers through my slowly worsening hair. “It really doesn’t look like you’re gaining any weight.”  
“Really?”  
“Are you throwing everything up?” He asked, and his eyes were brimmed with tears.  
Although Luke was very quiet in nature, he was very observant and knew more about a person than they did about themselves. It was great sometimes because I’m always able to talk to him about everything and he understands, but it sucks whenever you have to hide something from him, like right now. I love my relationship with Luke, but I hate having to lie to him to protect him from the truth.   
“N-no,” I stuttered, my lie clearly falling at the seams.  
“That’s exactly what I assumed,” Luke sighed as he lifted my jaw up and kissed me softly. “It’s okay, I wasn’t expecting you to be fine with eating, but you really need to gain weight. I can’t have you leave me, I can’t emphasize that enough.”   
He ran his free hand through his hair, and his sleeve rolled down ever so slightly that I caught a glimpse of harsh, scattered red lines on his wrist. I was in complete shock, and before Luke could retract his arm, I grabbed his wrist tightly and pulled back his sleeve completely along with his other one. He promised me he hadn’t cut since the day I asked him out, but that clearly was a lie since his arms were littered with fresh cuts and there was honestly no free space left on them.   
“Please let go of me,” Luke breathed, trying but failing to keep his composure. “It’s not a big deal, I promise.”  
“Why?” I questioned, a single tear slipping down my cheek as I kissed every mark I could on his skin.   
“It’s just…” He started, but he couldn’t finish because he was choked up and sobs were wracking his body.   
“Is it because of me?” I whimpered as I hid my face in his chest.  
“N-n-no,” Luke struggled, taking my face in his hands. “It w-will nev…never be because of y-you. Everything…everything kind of piled up and t-this is my…it’s all I have, Ash. N-nothing else has e-ever worked and it’s keeping me from…it’s the o-only thing keeping me sane.”  
“Come here, baby,” I motioned, pulling Luke into my chest as he deteriorated completely. “I can’t let someone as beautiful and perfect as you believe that slitting their wrists is the only way to be happy. You have so much going for you, Lukey, who honestly gives a fuck what your father has to say? He’s completely wrong about you being weak, most people would kill themselves under your circumstances and you’re still here. Now, would it make you feel better if I tried to eat something and held it down?”  
Luke nodded into my chest, gasps escaping him as he tried to soothe his crying. Usually, he rides his sadness out and is fine within ten to thirty minutes, but after an hour he was still sobbing. I peppered kisses all over his face while reassuring him that everything was going to be okay, and even that didn’t work. I had the feeling that this wasn’t just about what he told me, and if he’s going to get answers out of me, I’m going to get answers out of him.  
“There’s definitely something else going on here.”  
“It’s n-not important.”  
“It clearly is if you cut because of it.”  
“I can’t…you c-can’t worry about m-me,” He wailed, curling himself into a ball in my lap. “M-Maybe once you…when you g-gain en..enough weight b-b-back.”  
“I don’t know if you realize this, but cutting can kill you, too,” I stated as I rubbed Luke’s back to get him to calm down. “Back when you were younger, you developed a tolerance to shallow cuts and each time you cut, they got worse. It’s inevitable that one day you’re going to go too deep, regardless of whether it’s an accident or not, and I refuse to lose you.”  
“You’ll never l-lose me, I s-s-swear.”  
“I hope so,” I croaked, lifting Luke’s chin up so I could kiss him one last time. “Now, let’s go grab something light for lunch.”

*****************************************************************

“Mike?” I heard someone whimper from outside my bedroom door.  
“Yeah?”   
“Can…Can we talk?”   
I walked over to my door, and opened it to a distraught Ashton. I immediately brought him into my room, locking the door behind me. He looks tinier than ever: His cheeks are sunken in and his ribs are easily counted, and his suffering is easily apparent. He sat down on my bed, motioned for me to sit next to him, and he pulled his sleeves over his wrists out of nervousness before he began to speak.  
“I…I want to get better, but, uh, I’ve been throwing everything up…”  
“It’s okay, Ash,” I spoke, although I already knew since Luke came to Calum crying about it earlier today. “And not to sound rude or anything, why aren’t you talking to Luke about this?”  
“He…” Ashton hesitantly whispered, gripping onto my hand. “He has to worry about himself.”  
“Why?”  
“I really can’t tell you, he’ll burn me at the stake.”  
“You can tell me anything,” I reassured as I squeezed his hand. “But I really need to make sure Luke is okay because I’ve had my suspicions. Having you desert him must’ve been hard, but no one can isolate themselves from the rest of the world that easily. I know the signs, Ash, that boy has depression and you honestly can’t convince me otherwise.”  
“Mikey, stop,” He warned, releasing my hand and running his hands through his hair. “I came to you so I didn’t have to burden him or give him something else to worry about, and talking about this is only making me nervous. Now, I ate l-lunch with Luke, but I really want to…I need to throw it up.”  
“Ash, do you want me to be honest with you?” I sighed, placing an arm around his back. He nodded his head, and I continued. “Believe me when I say that you are extremely thin, and believe me when I say that you can most definitely die. You have zero fat on your bones, so your body needs to absorb some nutrients from what you just ate. Plus, it probably wasn’t a crazy amount since we both know Luke would never make you eat more than you are comfortable with.”  
“It was a grilled chicken salad,” Ashton mumbled as a tear ran down his cheek. “I ate all of it, you can ask Lukey if you want to. He’s trying s-so hard to fix me when he can’t even fix himself.”  
“Are you positive you don’t want to talk about it?”  
“It’s not my place to tell you,” He hesitantly responded as he got up. “I’ll hold it down, I promise. Thanks for actually listening to me, Mike, I owe you.”  
“You don’t owe me anything,” I countered, laying down on my bed as he walked out. “You just need to be okay.”


	6. 97 lbs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> at first i was planning to have ashton die, then luke die, and just have it be like an entire ripple with everyone but calum but then i was like wow i have a heart so this happened and yeah xxx

“Cal?” Luke cried through the receiver, not even trying to hold his composure.  
“What is it, baby?” I asked as I paced around the room.  
“It…It’s…Ash is in t-the hospital.”  
“Wait, what?” I uttered, hardly able to believe let alone comprehend what he just said.  
“H-he…” Luke gasped, his breathing rapidly increasing and his choking even more audible. “We w-were walking to…to a restaurant a-and he…”  
“Passed out on the way there?”  
“Y-yes,” He shrieked, and I could hear the way he covered his mouth with his hand. “Can you…please c-c-come?”  
“Of course,” I whispered, not wanting Mikey to hear anything that’s happening since he finally fell asleep for the first time in ages. “Stay right where you are, okay?”  
“O…okay,” He uttered before he hung up.  
I threw my phone on the ground, not caring if it completely shattered. If Luke thought that he was the only one being affected by what was going on with Ash, he was completely wrong. Ashton constantly talked to Michael, and they became closer than ever while I was pushed off to the side. No one even bothered to ask me if I was okay, and a similar story rings true with Luke. I, luckily, am able to somehow manage what’s going on with Ash along with every day life, but poor Luke has one of the roughest lives out there. Although Mike and I tried so hard to prove to Luke that we love him and would make him happy, he always relied on Ashton. I had a feeling that Ash’s eating disorder would practically kill him, but now that it’s happening, we’re all taking the blame.  
“Calum, what’s going on?” Mikey shouted from upstairs, but soon footsteps were audible as he ran down the stairs. “Are you crying?”  
“I’m completely fine,” I spoke as I wiped the remaining tears off my face. “It’s Ashton that isn’t. Luke called me to tell me that he was in the hospital, and apparently he passed out as he and Luke were walking to a restaurant.”  
“Are we gonna go visit him or…?”  
“That’s what I was just about to do,” I responded as I led Mike out of the house and into the car.  
The car ride was completely silent up until the end, which was when I started to hear shaky, uneven breathing from Michael. I decided to ignore it until I pulled into a spot in the parking lot, which is when I gripped his hand and rubbed circles on it. Tears slipped down his face, and he was trembling so much he was unable to sit still. As much as I wanted to cuddle him and tell him that everything was going to be alright, I couldn’t possibly reassure him when I can’t even reassure myself. Not only is Ashton on the verge of death, but Luke is so obviously going to follow suit if Ashton dies. He always tells Mikey and I that if it wasn’t for Ashton, he would have nothing to live for, and it is such a shame that we honestly can’t rebuke his argument.   
“We…we have to go,” I muttered, walking swiftly out of the car before I started to break down too.  
Someone had to force himself to be strong, and it definitely wasn’t going to be Luke or Mikey, so I had to automatically assume that position. No one ever said life was easy, and no one ever said life was fair. I’m always the brave faced one of the band, it’s not like I ever expect anyone to be there for me when I’m sad anyways.

***************************************************************

I opened my eyes and looked around the room to find a sobbing Luke, a distraught Michael, and a shockingly calm Calum. All three of them looked at least 5 pounds thinner, and Mike didn’t even bother to touch up his now blonde roots. I don’t know how long I’ve been out, but I knew I had to check Luke’s wrists, make sure that Mike wasn’t disappointed in me, and to see why the fuck Calum is still feigning strength. I really didn’t want to embarrass Luke in front of the other lads and he was the one who deserved the best explanation, so after Mikey and Calum hugged me to death, I kindly asked them to leave the room so I could talk to him. Luke was hesitant at first, rapidly wiping the tears from his eyes, but he eventually walked over to my bed and climbed in it.  
“Lukey,” I croaked as I kissed him softly. “Can you tell me what happened?” More sobs escaped him, and I took him in my arms and peppered kisses everywhere I could. “I promised you it once, and I’ll promise you it again: I’m never going to leave you. Ever.”  
“B-but you al…almost did,” He shrieked, covering his hand over his mouth after he realized how loud he was. “You…y-you were out for 14 w-whole days.”  
“What?” I bellowed as I pulled him into my chest.  
“Y-y-you were so f-fucking tiny, Ashy. You gained 15 p-pounds on the drip, but…but you’re still underweight. Another thing, I don’t think you understand how scarred I am. Imagine having me almost die right in front of your ey…”  
“I don’t have to imagine that,” I interrupted as he pulled away in disbelief. “Actually, you are already dying right in front of me. What, did you not think that self-harm kills you? I told you this before, every time you cut, you develop a stronger and stronger tolerance which causes you to have to cut deeper and deeper in order to get relief. I know you’ve been cutting, babe, your father still calls and you’re going through a ton of shit even without him. Now, how about we cut to the chase and you just take off those goddamned bracelets already.”  
I could tell he was about to break, but yet he still maintained his poise and slowly removed all of his bracelets. Somehow, he managed to find some free space on his wrists and he even traced his old cuts, but I had a feeling that he self-harmed a lot more than he’s letting on. I picked up his wrists and began to kiss all of his cuts before I was interrupted.   
“T-that’s not all,” Luke uttered, tears freely falling from his eyes. “I…my thighs…my stomach…my hips, they’re…I’m sorry, Ash, I’m sorry I’m n-not good enough.”  
“You’re more than good enough,” I spoke, running my hands through his hair. “And when we get back home, I’m going to make you believe it. I owe you, now I realize how important it is for me to stay alive and healthy since all of you are destroyed and completely lost without me. We’re in this for the long haul, and we’re in this together. I promise I’ll get better, but you have to try too.”  
“I will,” He gasped, pressing his lips firmly against mine. “We’re going to fix this.”


	7. 140 lbs (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this is it, wow i just really spent my whole night/morning writing this

“Ash!” Luke called out as he walked into his and Ashton’s room. “Cal told me the news, you’re finally in the healthy weight range!”  
“I’m going to kill him,” Ashton laughed, pulling Luke into his arms. “I wanted to be the one to tell you, but yeah, I am. He weighed me at 140, which is a BMI of 18.6, and I’m only going to go up from there.”  
“I’m so fucking proud of you,” Luke smiled, kissing his boyfriend softly. “You are so incredibly strong, and you don’t know how much I love being able to go out to eat with you. You’re finally back, Ashy, we’re finally us again.”  
“Lukey, you’re gonna make me cry,” Ashton warned as he wiped a single tear away from his eye. “But it’s so hard to believe that just under a year ago I hated myself so much that I couldn’t even function. I deprived myself of food and I thought it was completely normal, and my mood always depended on what the number on the scale was. I’ve come so far, and it’s all because of you. During this whole recovery process, you stayed so fucking strong, babe. You hate hospitals, and for a more than understandable reason, yet you still never left my side during that 3 week stay. Even when I completely bitched out on you, you still made sure I ate the right amount and made sure I knew how much you loved me. I don’t know how your cutting is, but just know I love you so much, and it’s frightening to say it, but I don’t think there will be a time when I don’t love you.”  
Luke’s heart swelled in his chest, and with ease he properly leaned in and placed his lips on Ashton’s. He paused in between to let Ashton know that he hasn’t cut in a week, and that resulted in more kisses and smiles from both of the boys. Even with all of their horrors and demons to fight, they knew they had each other, and that was enough for them at the moment.

*************************************************************

“So,” Calum started as he and Mikey barged into Luke and Ashton’s room. “Clifford and I were talking, and we thought it would be a good idea for all of us to go out to dinner in a little bit to celebrate Ashton being healthy again. We wouldn’t go out to a completely shit place like McDonald’s, but rather a nice place with all different options. What do you two lovebirds say?”  
Ashton scoffed before he pulled Luke’s body into his chest, and he told Luke not to turn around. He placed his chin on Luke’s shoulder, gripped his hip and rubbed exactly where he knew the self-inflicted injuries were, and then he knew what his answer had to be.  
“Of course,” He smiled, Luke turning around to kiss him.  
“You guys are so sweet, it’s disgusting,” Michael gagged as he sat down next to them. “Seriously, keep it PG.”  
“We’re all legal adults here, Mike,” Calum retorted, jumping on Mikey’s lap. “They can make it as explicit as they want it, but no fucking when we’re in the house, got it?”  
“Uh,” Luke started as Ashton’s face went completely red. “We already…we’re not…we had sex like a few hours before you two barged in. I promised Ash o-once he gained enough weight we would, and he did so…”  
“Shit,” Mike muttered, throwing a hysterically laughing Calum to the floor as he quickly evacuated the bed. “You imbeciles better have cleaned up.”  
“No, Mikey, we didn’t clean up, I have Lukey’s cum all over me,” Ashton sarcastically spoke, earning a laugh from everyone.   
“So,” Calum inquired, sitting up in front of Luke and Ashton. “Who tops?”  
“Calum Thomas Hood, that is none of your fucking business!” Mikey shouted, grabbing Calum by the hand. “Meet us downstairs in 15 minutes, you assholes.”  
“Ashton’s my bottom bitch!” Luke called out after, and both him and Ashton couldn’t contain themselves when they heard Michael gag. “Come on, Ash, let’s get ready.”  
Luke stripped out of all his clothes, and Ashton shortly followed, but he couldn’t contain himself when he saw all of Luke’s scars. He walked over to him, picked up his arm, and kissed every bit of marred skin. He continued until he reached his thighs, and by the end, Luke was softly crying to himself.  
“Ash, I w-want to get rid of them,” Luke wailed as he gripped onto Ashton’s hand.   
“Why?”  
“They’re repulsive, and I know how much you hate them. Plus, they just prove my father right when h-he says I’m weak.”  
“Yeah, I hate them, but that’s because it hurts me to see that someone as amazing as you believed that the only way to cope with his pain was to slice open his skin. Also, you’re certainly not weak, you stayed alive when I know I certainly would not have. I’m so fucking proud of you, baby, you stayed strong even recently when I kept fucking up. Keep staying alive, you have a lot going for you and I can’t be here without you. You’re what kept me motivated to stay alive when I was unconscious in the hospital; I fought for you and you only. I love you so much, and I’ll keep fighting for you. Keep those scars, they mark every time you wanted to die, but chose not to. They’re beautiful, Lukey, just like every other part of you.”  
“W-what if they’re…they constantly trigger me, Ash,” Luke admitted as Ashton took him in his arms and placed him on the bed. “Seeing them…I want to add more constantly. The fans, Ash, the fans can’t see them. A-and the people who don’t like me or us…they’ll def-definitely send hate.”  
“Then that’s a completely different story,” Ashton replied, leaning up so he can catch Luke’s lips in his own. “But I’m paying for the surgery.”  
“Ashy…”  
“Don’t argue, I’m making the first few months of our relationship up to you.”  
“I love you,” Luke whispered, placing his lips on Ashton’s. “More than you’ll ever realize.”  
“Come on, babe, let’s head out,” Ashton spoke, helping Luke get dressed and then putting clothes on himself before they went out the door to meet up with the other two imbeciles.  
Sure, not everything went perfectly for either of them, but with Ashton healthy and himself clean, Luke knew they’d end up fine.  
And fine was a complete understatement in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic, so it may or may not suck, so yeah suggestions would be nice and thank you for reading xxx


End file.
